It's quiet in this small town and though I dream of bigger things I always come back to the same point. Some people just don't know how to appreciate silence. There's many nights that I don't sleep at all I have so much in my head in any given time that I can't relax enough to sleep. This silence is golden to me it gives me the chance to let mind my go and free it from the clutter and ask all the questions of myself that I need to answer. Some people think people like me hide from society as a form of escapism. I think it's the other way around. Some people have to always party and have people around them. They are always talking about the weekend and what bar they are going to hang out at and post pictures on the internet to show everyone how cool they are and how happy they probably wish they could be. I see through them they don't fool me. They use to company of others to distract themselves so they don't have to deal with themselves. I'm not the one trying to escape. I've never been one for delusions. I tend to prefer reality because you can't change your reality by living in a fantasy. Your not a billionaire rap star hitting the parties getting ready to fire up the Benz. People should stop trying to act that way because unless they do they'll always be a pretender because their energies are spent in the wrong places.
The other day a female friend of mine asked me why I don't date more. She said I was a very loving person and had alot to give that it was a shame I didn't try harder than I do. This same friend tends to only date rich guys that don't really need her so she's always single. She asked me didn't I miss the affection and at least the hugging,kissing,cuddling etc. Well of course I do. I've been this way for so long I don't know how to be anything else. Last year I was dating a hot 22 year old for about 3 months and 2 of them were pretty good. She was nice enough but we had nothing in common.I actually met her on the internet. Too many things just didn't add up. She loved politics and I hate politics. She belonged to a party and I actually enjoy having my own thoughts. She talked about far off places that she'd never been too becoming cesspools. I'd actually been to those places and she argued with me about them anyway. She bashed minorities yet she grew up in an all white town that didn't have any minorities so she didn't really know anything about them. I thought since I was older I could convince her of some things and she'd come around. I tried changing the subject to other things but it was pointless. Towards the end I'd take her home early and go get drunk just thinking to myself I can't believe I shaved my balls for this bitch. You know they say that hair grows back thicker when you shave it. Now the next time I go to dick some girl she'll look down between her legs and see an elephant disguised as ZZ Top. Shortly after that I dated another girl that wanted me to join some cult church where people smoked weed and drank all the time. Hell I could do that at home.
I wish I could explain to her how frustrating dating is for me. It's really just an endless circle of bullshit isn't it? All I ever here from women is how guys suck and there's no good guys left anymore. Maybe one day they'll see they are the ones with all the power to change that. Women don't date good guys because they don't really look for good guys. It's all about self esteem. You look at these guys that treat women like shit and they'll never be without a date. There will always be some girl with self esteem issues that'll date that guy because she believes that if she can change him that it will improve her own self worth. She can't date a man who's good to her because that won't help her prove anything to herself. Those guys treat those girls like shit because those girls allow it. If every woman in the world stopped putting up with that shit then men would change. But it's easier to blame someone else instead of looking in the mirror. For every guy that treats them like shit that they fall all over themselves to get to there's a guy like me alone wishing he wasn't invisible. Wishing he could be your knight in shining armor but they'll never see it. If I'm invisible then why should I try? Do I become the thing I hate to keep from being alone and play the same bullshit game with the rest of the world? I choose instead to be myself....alone.
I think Charles Bukowski said it best when he said," I don't hate people I just like it better when they are somewhere else." Maybe he didn't say it exactly that way but it was something like that. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be alone sometimes. I'm not really angry or depressed. It can be a very comforting thing. I do have friends and I do go out at times. I just hate being in crowded places. I was a bouncer when I was younger and frankly a bar full of drunk people usually didn't make it a full night without drama. I hate drama it's definitely not quiet. I have my own bullshit to deal with I don't need it from someone else over something stupid. I remember years ago I had a crush on a stripper in a club I worked in. She was this gorgeous Italian girl. She invited me to come to a dance club one night after work and even though I don't dance I went anyway because I thought I'd get to spend some time with her. She showed up late with some guy and I was stuck at the bar drunk. I was in a club with over a thousand people and might as well have been on a raft in the middle of the ocean. It would've been the same either way. On nights like this I love to write as well with no interruptions. Thinking about these things reminds of a chorus to a song I wrote years ago. It went something like,"All throughout these strangest of days in crowded intersections I walk lost highways." I couldn't sum it up any better than that.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm on that raft in the middle of the ocean but tonight I'm on an island. I know that sea is still raging and will continue to rage. Tomorrow I'll ride the waves and fight the monsters but tonight there's a calmness here. There's a calmness and quiet in my mind if only for a little while. Some will never understand me and that's ok. Some may think my writings don't make any sense and that's ok too at the end when all the brush strokes are done maybe they'll get the big picture. Tonight however I'm happy. Tonight I'll sleep.
