Charity's Song

     I like to lay in bed at night and think. It's quiet and there's nobody around. There's no one to try and rip me off. There's no one expecting me to do this thing or that other thing. I don't have to be anything I just have to be.I stare at the computer screen sometimes wanting to write but I have so many thoughts in my head. Sometimes I write and sometimes I can't do anything. It's like when I go out somewhere social like a bar sometimes I talk too much and sometimes I sit there quietly, quiet as a ghost. It always made it hard to sleep so I tried to drink alot of liquor hoping it would help. Sometimes it did and others it didn't. I'd like to get it all out of my head but worry it just won't make sense because it's so confusing. Then again, sometimes confusion makes the most sense of all.
    I like to think about my friend Charity. I met her when I was a junior in high school we had gym class together. I mostly just played basketball badly never really noticed anybody until one day this girl came up to me and told me that her friend "liked" me. It was kind of odd to me because honestly when I was in high school nobody liked me. I think I may have had 2 girlfriends the entire time I was even in high school though one was for several years. I had poor social skills and low self confidence. At first I thought it may have been a cruel trick that kids often play. They would go to a kid the others thought was ugly(like me) and tell them someone liked them as a joke. Then they could use that to embarrass their friend and just make fun of you.  After all you were ugly and why would anyone like you(least that's what you were told by your peers)? This happened to me a few times so I was used to it. I saw Charity and she was very pretty. There was a girl on TV at the time named Cassidy Rae and this girl looked just like her. I went over there and spoke with her and she was really flirty and seemed like she was into me. So obviously something was wrong somewhere. I spoke to my buddy Jarrod and he asked me to wait until he checked on something for me about it.
   I told Charity bye and got changed out and went to typing class. Typing class was a lame course to get a credit nobody cared about typing. Fuck typing I flunked the second semester. Jarrod had the seat behind me so I quickly asked him for the lowdown. Sure enough! Charity was only 13 years old. My heart just sank I mean 17 and 13 is extremely inappropriate and can never happen. Now 34 and 30 or even 24 and 20 doesn't seem so bad but 17 and 13 just ain't going to happen. I sat there the whole class thinking about how I could tell her without hurting her feelings. Of course I wasn't listening in typing class because fuck typing. It was a real slap in the face because I was so lonely and felt so bad all the time I needed someone but it couldn't be her. I told her in the hall during last period and she was still upset that I couldn't be her boyfriend but I told her we could still be friends and stuff but that's all it was going to be because I was too old and that just wasn't right.
   As time went by I'd always talk to her and give her a hug in the hall. She'd take to writing me notes every now and then and I'd have to remind her that I was too old for her. I know one time she was really bummed about it and I gave her my phone number to make her feel better. I just didn't want her to think it was because I didn't like her or that something was wrong with her. I was just too old for her and that was all it was to it. She'd call once a week just to talk about stuff. Just regular teenage girl stuff like some girl said this and the other one did that and they were all bitches. Most were bitches by the way I'll testify to that one. I have to admit I enjoyed talking to her and looked forward to her calling. No matter what I had going on I'd always talk to her for a little bit. She stopped trying to flirt with me and we just became friends. It was really nice because there was a huge class system at my school as there is in most. If you didn't have a certain last name you were doomed to ridicule by the ones who had it and the people that licked their asses. I didn't have one of those names and I never licked ass. My food was tampered with at one point. My tires were slit a couple times. I was attacked before football practice once and they tried to pull my pants down but I fought them off and slung them all over the place until they gave up. This was a normal day at this school for the awkward kids. Charity always made it better because she liked me regardless.
   We stayed friends through my senior year keeping in touch like always then I graduated. Her family was originally from Hilton Head,SC and one day she told me they were moving there. I was pretty sad about it and told her I miss her even though I never saw her out of school. She promised she's stay in touch. I was 18 and she was about to turn 15. I'm not going to lie in the back of my mind I always thought 22 and 18 wasn't too bad of an age difference either.
   She kept her word we still talked on the phone twice a week and I even got to know the rest of her family her older brothers and her parents talking to them on the phone as well a little bit each time I'd call. She'd send me two or three handwritten letters a month. We talked alot but she just enjoyed writing them and I enjoyed reading them. I was dating a real bitch that worked at Kmart and by this time I was the one telling her about how this girl done this and the other one did that and how they were all bitches. She reminded me that she used to be on the other end of that conversation and we got a kick out of it. We'd talk for hours sometimes just catching up with how the other was doing. Then the phone bills got to be a little high. I remember she was 16 and her parents told her that we needed to keep our calls after 10pm when the rates were cheaper. Then again I couldn't call up there because ome of them went to bed at 9pm and Charity didn't want to wake them up.I was 20 and still living at home working crap jobs but I had a phone in my room. So every a little after 10 pm the phone would ring 2 times and that was all on every tuesday and thursday. That was the signal that she was by the phone and I could call her back so she could pick up on the first ring and not wake anyone. I was working I could pay my phone bill anyway.
    Over the next two years the conversations were further apart she was old enough to drive and instead of talking about what some girl said in the hall it was more about parties an that type of thing so there wasn't that much talking on weekends but when she did stay home on a friday or saturday sometimes we'd talk til 2 am and I still got a letter or 2 a month. As she got older and I did too  other things got in the way and we didn't talk as much but we still talked when we could. She kept saying her parents were talking about moving back to the area which was really exciting because we could see each other. Then the calls just stopped. for about 2 months. They were kind of dwindling down anyway. I was busy working somewhere else and didn't think much of it she was a pretty girl probably going out alot and I was happy for her she was 18 and was probably having a great senior year.
    One day I had just got done looking for an apartment and my mother came into the living room. She asked me was I still getting letters from that girl that had always sent them. I told her I hadn't got one in awhile and I asked her why? That's when she told me Charity and her family had moved back to Alabama and were living up in the Elkmont area. I hadn't heard anything about that and thought it was odd that my mom knew I mean she didn't even know the family. Charity had been at a party in Elkmont a week before. They were huffing gas using butane. She had a brain seizure and had to go to the hospital she was in a coma. She laid there on life support for a day or so but she couldn't be saved and her family pulled the plug. She died shortly after and had buried her in Centerstar the day before my mom told me. I walked into my room and cried for about an hour. I didn't even get to see her.
   I took a couple days to pull myself together and decided I had to go to the grave site. I was really nervous about it and stopped on the way to see my grandmother. I visited with her until I could get my nerve up and told her about everything. I tried to get her to come with me but she had a bunch of dogs and didn't want to leave them there by themselves.
   When I got to the church it was kind of hidden but I found it. It was the second gravesite on the left as you go in the gate. They hadn't gotten the headstone in yet it was just a marker in the ground but the flowers on the grave were still fresh from the funeral. I got down on my knees and just sit there. I don't even know how long I was there I cried just a little more and said how sorry I was and told her how I didn't know and really wished I could've seen her. Then remember saying I didn't want to leave but I had to go. I sat in my car for awhile before I pulled out of the parking lot and just went home. Not saying goodbye was bad but not knowing if she knew how much I cared for her haunted me even worse. That next tuesday night the phone rang just after 10 pm. I didn't think anything about it then thursday it did it again at the same time. Just two rings then no more just like we always did. Sometimes I'd answer the phone and hear nothing. Other times I'd answer it and hear a muffled voice but couldn't understand anything it wasn't audible. I'd have these vivid dreams about her. In some we were back in high school and in others we were married we had two children Michael and Ashley. They always looked the same in the dreams. She was always on the other side of the room in the dream and I was walking towards her but I'd wake up before I got to her I could never touch her. I always felt uneasy when I woke up and sometimes I'd be afraid to dream and I'd go out and get drunk thinking it would dull everything but even drunk every tuesday and thursday night that phone would ring after 10 pm.
     This went on for right around two years. I'd have these dreams where I couldn't touch her and the phone kept ringing every tuesday and thursday night after 10 pm when I was in the room. I'd stopped trying to answer it. Then I had another dream but this one was different. In the dream I was in my room at my parents house which is the actual room I was asleep in. In the dream it was during the day and the window above the bed was open there was a nice cool summer breeze blowing through it and it felt good on my skin and I could smell the grass. Charity was laying on the bed wearing this white shirt and denim skirt she used to always wear and she patted the bed beside her but didn't say anything she just smiled. This time I laid down beside her and put my arms around her and hugged her tightly. She felt warm and I could feel her heart beat against my chest. Her skin smelled like vanilla from the body lotion she used to wear at school. I finally got to her. I sat up on the bed. I said,"I'm so sorry I missed you I didn't know you were back nobody told me I would've been there for you I love you so much."She didn't say anything at first she just reached out with her right hand and touched the side of my face and smiled. Then she said,"I know hon I've always known, it's ok but you know I have to go now?" Just as she told me she loved me I felt the wind outside the window get stronger and her body turned to sand slowly blowing away like a sand castle out the window disappearing in the wind. I woke up after that but this time I wasn't upset. I actually felt peaceful almost happy. I got up and walked over to the dresser and got out her letters and spent the morning reading through them. That tuesday night the phone didn't ring. It never rang again. She knew and I know she knew. It's been 17 years and I still have every letter. Some may think I'm crazy but I know that I'm not. Sometimes when I'm at the beach walking in the sand and I'll feel a breeze out of nowhere and it always makes me smile.